Checklist: Living Separately Under the Same Roof
Have you and your spouse decided to get a divorce but are still living in the same house? There may be compelling reasons to do so — you can’t afford separate places, you want to maintain a stable family situation for your children, proximity to your place of employment, etc.
Your date of separation has legal implications in many states. It can be tricky proving that you are really separated if, for family or economic reasons, you are still living together in the same house.
Here is a checklist of what you should do if you and your spouse are still living together but are separated.
- Establish and maintain the intent to separate permanently or indefinitely.
- Use separate bedrooms.
- Do not engage in romantic or sexual intimacy.
- Stop wearing wedding rings.
- Don’t shop for your spouse’s food, prepare his meals, or shop for his clothing and other necessities.
- Don’t let your spouse shop for you, and don’t use his food or other purchases.
- Do not eat meals together, except for special occasions such as holidays or children’s birthdays.
- Make each spouse responsible for caring for their own space within the home, such as a bedroom.
- Make each spouse responsible for doing their own laundry.
- Use a separate and secure computer.
- Use a separate and secure telephone/cell phone for personal and business calls.
- Establish separate checking accounts.
- Cease socializing together, e.g., do not attend parties, movies, theater, etc. together.
- Do not attend church together.
- Where there are minor children, interact as parents only where strictly necessary from the children’s perspective and their well-being, e.g., meeting with school officials. If you both attend your child’s game, don’t sit together.
- Don’t give gifts to your spouse for birthdays, Christmas, anniversary, Valentine’s Day, etc.
- Let close associates and relatives know that you are not living as man and wife, but are separated within the residence.
- Have a third party come to the home from time to time to personally observe the two spouses’ separate and distinct living quarters (bedrooms, bathrooms, etc.).
- Utilize separate entrances to residence if feasible.
- Be prepared to explain why you are living separately under the same roof, e.g., financial considerations; unavailability of separate residence; easing children’s transition to parental separation, etc.
hi just a question… i have lodged my paper work, but im not sure too when i will hear back. i think it going on a month now. been really tough living for me financially
That would be a great question to ask the office where you filed the paperwork.
My marriage has been falling apart for years. We finally decided to separate. I really don’t know what to do next. We have a son and of course we both want him. My husband works full time and makes decent money. I am a disabled veteran on a very fixed income. My son just started school and I haven’t been able to get a job. We had our share of financial problems. Now, he will move out only if I sign an agreement to a fixed amount of child support. I can’t afford our home alone with no job. And I forgot to mention no vehicle. I was given $6000 to go find something.
I have read some of the posts, I guess I am wondering if I should I try to live together separately. I just don’t see how. We r both home at night at the same time. If I go to “my bedroom” then I will never see my son.
I just feel so alone and scared.
You are alone and scared because you don’t have sufficient information to make a decision. Please seek legal advice to find out what your options are under the laws of your state.
I’m not married but I’m in a similar situation and would like advice. I’ve been with my sons dad for 9 years on and off. The passed year we’ve been sleeping in two different bedrooms. I made that choice out of anger but regretted it everyday because I wanted to be next to him. I used to tell him how I felt about the situation but he’d ignore it and say he doesn’t like sleeping next to anyone due to comfort reasons. The passed year has been full of ups and downs and fights and saying things out of anger. The passed 2 months he’d been secretive. Not coming home not telling me what was happening and in my heart I knew something was happening but refused to accept it because I love him and want our family to work. With such horrible communicating issues I never told him that I just remained angry. It came to light this passed week he’s been spending time with another woman and developed feelings for her because he had given up on me. I don’t know if I should leave. I can’t afford my own place right now. And I never wanted to leave I was hoping we’d reconcile and work on our problems. Instead I shut down and he started letting go.
Dini, Your situation sounds a lot like mine. I’ve been so angry. I have given up and have shut down too. Some days I can’t even… My son keeps me going.
My husband is very secretive too he even takes his phone when he showers he has blocked all his contacts on facebook too. When I ask him he swears he is not cheating on me.
I want him to move out. At this point I know we need a break. I believe I will be happier. We have talked about getting separated in the past, but I held on to us working it out. He doesn’t believe that we could take a break and try to work out things. He thinks that once it is over it is over.
It takes two people to work it out. If he is willing, you might try seeing a counselor or someone through your church who can help the two of you discuss this and see what you can work out.
i have been married for 28 years and my husband has been cheating on me. I work ,but make every little money. We own a s-corp together. His name is on everything the house , the business . In the state I live I would not get any part of the house or business. His spending has put us in debt. I cann’t afford a lawyer and how he is ask for a to be seperated . And I should pay off half the debt and move out of the house. Need Help
You’ll need to find out what the laws are regarding living separately. In many states you would not be required to move out of the house.
My wife and I are both 49, married 20 years, and we’re both very dedicated to our 13 and 16 YO children. We don’t suffer from any of the health/alcohol/cheating/abuse issues that so many of the poor posters have to deal with. She’s been home for 15 years taking care of the kids while I cover all finances. I work from home and spend a lot of time w the boys and helping with errands and shuttling. She called it quits, but neither want to sell the house on the kids or destroy our finances. We’re in seperate beds, and no intimacy, but that’s all that has changed. She still wants to be friends, and it’s as if nothing is different around the household. The current scenario would be that we would need to live like this for 6 more years, then she takes half and runs off., I told her she needs to go back to work, but there isn’t much effort there. I feel trapped. If i keep this up I can’t move on and heal, and my investment in the marriage is useless. I don’t want to sell the house on the kids or cause us financial distress so I’mmplaying along until I figure it out. Thoughts?