Checklist: Living Separately Under the Same Roof

Have you and your spouse decided to get a divorce but are still living in the same house? There may be compelling reasons to do so — you can’t afford separate places, you want to maintain a stable family situation for your children, proximity to your place of employment, etc.

Your date of separation has legal implications in many states. It can be tricky proving that you are really separated if, for family or economic reasons, you are still living together in the same house.

Here is a checklist of what you should do if you and your spouse are still living together but are separated.

  • Establish and maintain the intent to separate permanently or indefinitely.
  • Use separate bedrooms.
  • Do not engage in romantic or sexual intimacy.
  • Stop wearing wedding rings.
  • Don’t shop for your spouse’s food, prepare his meals, or shop for his clothing and other necessities.
  • Don’t let your spouse shop for you, and don’t use his food or other purchases.
  • Do not eat meals together, except for special occasions such as holidays or children’s birthdays.
  • Make each spouse responsible for caring for their own space within the home, such as a bedroom.
  • Make each spouse responsible for doing their own laundry.
  • Use a separate and secure computer.
  • Use a separate and secure telephone/cell phone for personal and business calls.
  • Establish separate checking accounts.
  • Cease socializing together, e.g., do not attend parties, movies, theater, etc. together.
  • Do not attend church together.
  • Where there are minor children, interact as parents only where strictly necessary from the children’s perspective and their well-being, e.g., meeting with school officials. If you both attend your child’s game, don’t sit together.
  • Don’t give gifts to your spouse for birthdays, Christmas, anniversary, Valentine’s Day, etc.
  • Let close associates and relatives know that you are not living as man and wife, but are separated within the residence.
  • Have a third party come to the home from time to time to personally observe the two spouses’ separate and distinct living quarters (bedrooms, bathrooms, etc.).
  • Utilize separate entrances to residence if feasible.
  • Be prepared to explain why you are living separately under the same roof, e.g., financial considerations; unavailability of separate residence; easing children’s transition to parental separation, etc.

infographic of information in blog

Similar Posts

three little girls photographed sitting down from behind

Let’s Talk About Child Custody

Physical items can be replaced, but time with your children is priceless. It’s no surprise then that determining child custody is often the most challenging…

273 Comments

  1. my wife and i had been living separate lives in the same house for over three years we had not had any sexual activities at all in this time the house was 300 sq meters two bath rooms we left for separately came home at different times we were more like flatmates than a married couple
    we filed for divorce explaining all this to the court and were given 30 days to reconsider the divorce
    we did nothing because we both wanted this two happen and the divorce was grated took 31 days and now are a lot more happier than we had been for years
    it is hard to prove but can be done

  2. This thread is interesting . I believe my husband is depressed over financial matters and losing our home to redundancy. He suddenly announced he no longer wants to be in a relationship. Our 3 adult children are upset. We have one son at home attending uni and we rent. We can’t afford a house . My husband earns the most money and without him I cannot afford to rent or live. He wants to stay under the same roof but live seperate lives – it is easier said than done when you are the one who is rejected. I am now happier when he is out. If I am to be honest we have been living seperate lives for a long time but thought we were overworking ourselves for the same financial goal of security at retirement . We have dogs that we love so it makes sense from a financial point of view to just stay as is. I believe depression has driven his decision however this set up leaves me in limbo with mixed feelings. I never imagined an old age without him and now I feel I should be looking out for a new partner but it feels weird. It is early days but after 30 + years together it is probably better than not having him in my life? Will it stop me from moving on?

  4. my wife and i lived in a 5 bedroom house we ate separately because of employment hadn’t had a sexual relationship for 3 years in fact i cannot remember the last time we did
    she meet a new bloke had sex with him and came home wanting a divorce we talk about i got angry we yelled at each other when we cooled down we both released that we had been apart for some time
    so we filed for a divorced the court questioned why we were at the same address we told them because of the cost of two houses we could not afford
    that we lived in a 5 bed house with two bath rooms and that we were more like flat mates then husband and wife
    the court took this under consideration and granted our divorce
    it took 4 weeks and if we had appeared in court it would of been granted that day
    we still love each other but as friends we come together at times because we have adult kids and do have grand kids
    i am a lot happier now than i have been in years

  5. Me and my husband have been married 20 years this month.i’ve not seen a situation like mine in all these posts. He is addicted to porn and I first found “it” 3 weeks married. He lied and said somehow some of his brother’s stuff got mixed in w CDith his. It was a vhs tape of a group of lesbians having an orgy. I believed him and thought all is well with my world. ButBefore are a couple years……..he hid it well…….until we got our first computer and internet. I became reacquainted with it due to pop ups of porn sites. He vehemently denied being responsible for any of it, passing it off as the “bs” that makes it’s way over the web. I believed him again and buried the suspicious thoughts I was having.

    Now we’re 5 years down the road and I started finding sorry Kleenexes in the trash, especially after taking a bath. So I dug even deeper in the pc files and found lots of hidden saved stuff. So with this “proof” he could no longer lie about it. Rather he broke down crying and promised to stop. I wanted it to be true so I chose to believe him. You can see where thiss is going. Every time I “caught” him, he found ways to hide it deeper and better.

    Psychologically this was destroying my self esteem. Rce12 years in this pattern I started drinking vodka. It was such a relief to not “feel” the pain of rejection. Sex became few and far between. I retired from my nursing career a year later because (I told everybody) I wanted to sp3nd more time at home and with my grandkids. The real reason was that I became addicted to the booze and started going to work with a morning gulp of booze.

    Now 20 years have passed……we haven’t had sex in over 3 yrs. We’ve slept in separate rooms for over 2 yrs, he doesn’t deny his addiction any longer nor will he talk about it or seek help. I NEVER let him see me naked because I’m certain he’s crossed out by my body compared to his 18 yr old fantasy porn girls. Come to find out…..he’s been hooked on it for 40 yrs. He first encountered his dad’s stash of playboy, penthouse etc…..when he was 11.

    Now I find myself determined to end this nightmare, but am “stuck” separated under the same roof with him. He won’t leave and I’m financially dependent on his paycheck. After Christmas I’m going to get a job, go back to school, and start moving toward independence. My BIGGEST problem is I can’t seem to leave the alcohol alone. I’m lonely, sad, mad, and basically just devastated. Someone say some prayers for me as I face another day.

Leave a Reply