Checklist: Living Separately Under the Same Roof

Have you and your spouse decided to get a divorce but are still living in the same house? There may be compelling reasons to do so — you can’t afford separate places, you want to maintain a stable family situation for your children, proximity to your place of employment, etc.

Your date of separation has legal implications in many states. It can be tricky proving that you are really separated if, for family or economic reasons, you are still living together in the same house.

Here is a checklist of what you should do if you and your spouse are still living together but are separated.

  • Establish and maintain the intent to separate permanently or indefinitely.
  • Use separate bedrooms.
  • Do not engage in romantic or sexual intimacy.
  • Stop wearing wedding rings.
  • Don’t shop for your spouse’s food, prepare his meals, or shop for his clothing and other necessities.
  • Don’t let your spouse shop for you, and don’t use his food or other purchases.
  • Do not eat meals together, except for special occasions such as holidays or children’s birthdays.
  • Make each spouse responsible for caring for their own space within the home, such as a bedroom.
  • Make each spouse responsible for doing their own laundry.
  • Use a separate and secure computer.
  • Use a separate and secure telephone/cell phone for personal and business calls.
  • Establish separate checking accounts.
  • Cease socializing together, e.g., do not attend parties, movies, theater, etc. together.
  • Do not attend church together.
  • Where there are minor children, interact as parents only where strictly necessary from the children’s perspective and their well-being, e.g., meeting with school officials. If you both attend your child’s game, don’t sit together.
  • Don’t give gifts to your spouse for birthdays, Christmas, anniversary, Valentine’s Day, etc.
  • Let close associates and relatives know that you are not living as man and wife, but are separated within the residence.
  • Have a third party come to the home from time to time to personally observe the two spouses’ separate and distinct living quarters (bedrooms, bathrooms, etc.).
  • Utilize separate entrances to residence if feasible.
  • Be prepared to explain why you are living separately under the same roof, e.g., financial considerations; unavailability of separate residence; easing children’s transition to parental separation, etc.

infographic of information in blog

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273 Comments

  1. IF A WOMEN SAYS SHE SEPERATED WITH PAPERWORK SIGNED AND LIVING IN SAME HOUSE AND SLEEPING NAKED IN SAME BED AS HUSBAND EVERY NIGHT IS IT LEGIT SEPERATION OR NO

  2. My husband and I need to separate but cant move out on our own. We have 3 kids and have a 3 bedroom home. However, the kids wont fit all in one room so I don’t know what to do. My husband and I cant share a room and a bed during all of this. WE can’t afford to have separate households. I am thinking I will just have to deal with my situation and pretend I am happy until my oldest son leaves for college then I can take his room in 2 years. Otherwise, I guess I can sleep on the couch in the formal living room. Anyone have any ideas?

    1. Hey, Brett,
      I have four kids and we are living together separated.
      I have played musical bedrooms a bit to make it happen, but I think having my own
      space has brought me the greatest peace in a situation where we just can’t afford
      two households (and after fifteen years and four marriage counselors we have tried
      everything and know that trying to make this work just isn’t going to happen.)
      Is there any ‘room’ that can be converted – and don’t worry about it feeling odd – it
      can be a formal living room, the basement rec room, an office. I have slept on the
      couch, I have put curtain rods across an office, and I’m currently converting a small
      basement we have into a small apartment. I share a bathroom with the kids, which
      is fine. (He’s very controlling and verbally abusive, and has had multiple affairs, but
      I still just submitted and gave him the the master bedroom and I’ve never been happier.
      I have found having my own ‘room’ has really brought so much peace. I have my own life,
      my own friends, and my own ‘room’. And it’s so great for the kids to have both parents in
      the house as long as no one is fighting. We are all happy.

  3. I need advise. My husband and I love each other very much. My husband does not trust me financially thuscreason for divorce. We live together, and we go on long bike rides on his harley, we have had lunch together and he text me daily to do in several times a day… I just want out marriage back. Does this sound like I still have some hope
    Signed, hopeless?

  4. This is a real can of worms. More couples than you know are living this way. My wife and I stopped having sex about 7 years ago, and we stopped being tender to each other about 3 years ago. We’re both in our mid 50’s so we don’t (at this point) want to go through a divorce, but I suspect it will happen in the next 5 years or so. I think once we both retire, I would expect a divorce as both of us will want to get on with our separate lives and enjoy what life we have left wihout the anchor of a listless human attached. Cry no tears here, folks. It’s called life. We’ve both reconciled to the fact that it’s over. Long over. And we’re just sharing a home now because it’s convenient while we are career people. Once that ends, then life will move on.

    We sleep in separate bedrooms, live totally separte lives, and don’t communicate much. However, we do share expenses, food and other necessities of life. We no longer celebrate each other’s birthday nor holidays. Luckily, we have not children. That really complicates things. Once you get in your 50’s, most people are confident enough to do what they want no matter what others think. You tend to get sick and tired of worrying about what other people think as you did when you were younger. With age comes not only wisdom, but selective ignorance. You tend to ignore things that are useless to worry about, contrary to when you were younger and worried about everything. So loss of a lifelong spouse of 30 years is just another bump in the road of life to some of us. I realize others take this much harder.

    We’ve both had affairs. We both know the other has had them. And I think we both know that it’s just physical because we need that kind of closeness once in a while. Living like a hermit emotionally and sexually at any age can be difficult – depending on the person. I have a female friend that once she went through menopause, she shut down sexually and romantically, and was divorced two years later. She’s fine with that as she hates sex now, and doesn’t like the idea of romance at her (according to her) advance age of 53 years old. Yikes! Call the undertaker! 🙂

    We have all been given the gift of life, and the curse of memory. We need memory or we won’t know what’s harmful to our survival. But it can be a curse as memory is what gives us pain of loss.

    Onward and upward. As my father used to say….. “Tomorrow is another day”.

    Good luck everyone.

  5. My wife and I are for all extents and purposes separated. We do not sleep together or have sex for the past 15 years. We stay together for the children. We argue for too much. I work all the time just to stay away from home. Most of the time I eat out or make my own. I do most things for myself but not all because of time constraints. I support them monetarily until they are thru college. Lately, it has been getting more difficult because I need love from someone who loves me. I recently attended a college reunion and realized how bad things had become and how miserable I am. I have made life changes for myself to be a better person but realize that I have to move on or risk dying from loneliness and feeling dehumanized. I was fortunately to run into someone who changed my life in college. Seeing her again and learning she was divorced made me realize how screwed up my own life was, hence the need for me to change. I tried to repair things at home but my wife has no interest. Money is an issue right now. She is a stay at home mom. 3 kids in college, one home schooled in high school and one autistic who is a teen at home. My last child broke the back of our relation ship. She consumes nearly every moment of my wife along with the rest of kids. There is nothing left for me. I can no longer live this way. Any advise anyone can give me? This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with and is very painful to me. I will try to do my best to take care of my family but I can no longer take being at home. Any advice?

    1. You say she has nothing left for you. Are you actively involved with the child that has special needs? This may be the foremost reason of your issues. It’s easy to disconnect as a man but if you fathered this child and are not actively involved, she may resent you. A child worh special needs is just that, they require more attention and care. If the relationship is important, take time to be a dad to the special needs of your last child. It may renew her passion in seeing your involvement. If you do not have the ability to do this, then move on and pay child support. She’s probably pissed and exhausted. There’s no room for selfishness. Help out and there’s more time for you.

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