Checklist: Living Separately Under the Same Roof

Have you and your spouse decided to get a divorce but are still living in the same house? There may be compelling reasons to do so — you can’t afford separate places, you want to maintain a stable family situation for your children, proximity to your place of employment, etc.

Your date of separation has legal implications in many states. It can be tricky proving that you are really separated if, for family or economic reasons, you are still living together in the same house.

Here is a checklist of what you should do if you and your spouse are still living together but are separated.

  • Establish and maintain the intent to separate permanently or indefinitely.
  • Use separate bedrooms.
  • Do not engage in romantic or sexual intimacy.
  • Stop wearing wedding rings.
  • Don’t shop for your spouse’s food, prepare his meals, or shop for his clothing and other necessities.
  • Don’t let your spouse shop for you, and don’t use his food or other purchases.
  • Do not eat meals together, except for special occasions such as holidays or children’s birthdays.
  • Make each spouse responsible for caring for their own space within the home, such as a bedroom.
  • Make each spouse responsible for doing their own laundry.
  • Use a separate and secure computer.
  • Use a separate and secure telephone/cell phone for personal and business calls.
  • Establish separate checking accounts.
  • Cease socializing together, e.g., do not attend parties, movies, theater, etc. together.
  • Do not attend church together.
  • Where there are minor children, interact as parents only where strictly necessary from the children’s perspective and their well-being, e.g., meeting with school officials. If you both attend your child’s game, don’t sit together.
  • Don’t give gifts to your spouse for birthdays, Christmas, anniversary, Valentine’s Day, etc.
  • Let close associates and relatives know that you are not living as man and wife, but are separated within the residence.
  • Have a third party come to the home from time to time to personally observe the two spouses’ separate and distinct living quarters (bedrooms, bathrooms, etc.).
  • Utilize separate entrances to residence if feasible.
  • Be prepared to explain why you are living separately under the same roof, e.g., financial considerations; unavailability of separate residence; easing children’s transition to parental separation, etc.

infographic of information in blog

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273 Comments

  1. My wife and I live separate lives under the same roof. We see each other on Easter, thanksgiving and Christmas. My daughter is 28, married and she and her husband still live with us, we have 2 dogs and 2 cats. We have a mother/daughter home where my wife lives downstairs and I live upstairs with my daughter and son in law. I believe my wife and I are still together because we need each other financially. The dogs are downstairs and the cats are upstairs. I’m on disability, which she helped me achieve and my wife makes more money than I do. She also helped me when I had surgery a year ago by driving me to and from the hospital for my operation and also for a procedure I had done that I couldn’t drive home from. I go out 2 nights a week to socialize with friends. That helps me deal with my domestic situation greatly. We live like brother and sister. The only time we communicate is thru text messages that she sends me bi-weekly asking for money for bills. I can’t get divorced because, other than losing the house, it would put an unbelievably financial burden on my daughter, who is my whole world, because I believe she would want nothing to do with me after that. This is my situation and probably until my daughter moves out, nothing will change.

  2. Hello there,

    I am left behind under the same roof after wife try to put charges soon after holiday big argument after 14 years of marriage life.
    When I was in my 30’s I worked hard and paid all the bills , lone , mortgages and travel air tickets and take away and you name it.

    Few years back my income gone down and finding extra work or new work as a self-employed it become some time unbearable.

    Now my wife earns 4 times more than me and still forcing me to pay and not ready to support in any way.

    We don’t share same room over last 7 years and its effecting my health emotionally.

    We have one son aged 9 years.

    Is anyone there had similar situation and any solutions or advise ? please.

    Looking forward to have some comments please.

    I am based in UK

    Your’s faithfully.

  3. We have been married for 30 years. We were very happy, at least I thought we were, until 10 years ago he had an affair. Not a one night stand, he moved out… told me he loved her and so on. Then he was diagnosed with Prostate CA, literally only 1 week after telling me about her. He then moved back in and ” came to his senses” as he said. We fought his CA and everything that goes along with it. Meaning we NEVER were intimate again after he moved back in. Yes, a few attempts after some alcohol but let’s just say not exactly the same, which I understood and still do. Sex isn’t the deal breaker, but the affair I can’t ever get over . He destroyed me. Strange though, because he is impotent, he has become VERY aggressive, and controlling. Like, he doesn’t have control over THAT, so now he wants control over everything. Consequently, he thinks he is going to live forever and therefore, we will do that someday! He is 70+ I am 64. However, in the that last 4 years, I have lost my sight and can’t drive anymore. He takes this as I am disabled. Which I am not an idiot and can make decisions, regardless. He constantly overrides everything I say, from whats for dinner tonight to what to put in the washer to our finances. Every suggestion I make about finances he disagrees with. We have a lot of property, however it needs work, and time and repairs. He loves this, and I hate it. I want to sell everything and travel. He doesn’t want to leave the front door, except to drive around and check out his properties every day. We just don’t talk anymore, and if we do its bickering. I want to leave, but because of my blindness, and his obsessive control of our finances, I’m stuck. We have children and grandchildren, who would all be just fine if we separated. They have their own lives, and love us both. However the idea of living together, separately is not going to work for us. I just attempt to go to the grocery store using UBER and he complains about the money spent and I should just wait for him. I don’t want to sleep with him anymore, I want my own room upstairs. He get so aggressive if I even suggest such a thing. He doesn’t want me to leave, because he doesn’t think another woman would want him. He is afraid of being alone. He is wrong, there are lots of women who would. He is smart, fairly good looking and when he wants to be he can be charming. Interestingly though, he isn’t to me, anymore. I don’t think legal advice can help, If we get a divorce and divide our finances, he would be bankrupt and he would spend the rest of his life getting even with me to put me in the same boat as him. He doesn’t share well, he is brutal and ruthless when dealing with money. I live in CA, and it would be 50/50. Divided we would both crumble. He would make sure of it. He handles the money, as I said, and I believe he keeps it in constant crisis so I can’t leave. thoughts?

  4. OMG, do not believe I’m not alone in my situation…. Married 21 years, leaving separate lives for 15 years, could tolerate this situation while my son was little, but now he is in College and out of the house. I’m totally miserable, husband is a loner, just sits in his room and never wanted to go out or participate in any family activities. I beg him many times to get divorce, but he just refuse and said he would fight the divorce processing with all his strength, meaning the divorce would be very hostile and I’m just afraid to proceed. Also, I’ve always made more money than him (he did not work for 7 years out of 21 years of our marriage), just refused and I could not force him, had to support him and our young son. He has short term contract now and says, that in case I file for divorce, he would stop working and I would have to pay alimony to him for the rest of my working life. Actually true, we live in California….Do not know what to do, being stuck with this uncaring, unloving, cold man and afraid to go through hostile divorce, which could last years, consulted lawyers and was told that divorce from hostile spouse would be long and difficult.
    Thank you for readig. Appreciate your comments. What shoul I do?

  5. we sleep in separate bedroom since 2014 until now(2017)and is emotionally very distant. Very sad to realize the truth. I don’t have anyone to ask advice….Please advice!!!

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