Checklist: Living Separately Under the Same Roof

Have you and your spouse decided to get a divorce but are still living in the same house? There may be compelling reasons to do so — you can’t afford separate places, you want to maintain a stable family situation for your children, proximity to your place of employment, etc.

Your date of separation has legal implications in many states. It can be tricky proving that you are really separated if, for family or economic reasons, you are still living together in the same house.

Here is a checklist of what you should do if you and your spouse are still living together but are separated.

  • Establish and maintain the intent to separate permanently or indefinitely.
  • Use separate bedrooms.
  • Do not engage in romantic or sexual intimacy.
  • Stop wearing wedding rings.
  • Don’t shop for your spouse’s food, prepare his meals, or shop for his clothing and other necessities.
  • Don’t let your spouse shop for you, and don’t use his food or other purchases.
  • Do not eat meals together, except for special occasions such as holidays or children’s birthdays.
  • Make each spouse responsible for caring for their own space within the home, such as a bedroom.
  • Make each spouse responsible for doing their own laundry.
  • Use a separate and secure computer.
  • Use a separate and secure telephone/cell phone for personal and business calls.
  • Establish separate checking accounts.
  • Cease socializing together, e.g., do not attend parties, movies, theater, etc. together.
  • Do not attend church together.
  • Where there are minor children, interact as parents only where strictly necessary from the children’s perspective and their well-being, e.g., meeting with school officials. If you both attend your child’s game, don’t sit together.
  • Don’t give gifts to your spouse for birthdays, Christmas, anniversary, Valentine’s Day, etc.
  • Let close associates and relatives know that you are not living as man and wife, but are separated within the residence.
  • Have a third party come to the home from time to time to personally observe the two spouses’ separate and distinct living quarters (bedrooms, bathrooms, etc.).
  • Utilize separate entrances to residence if feasible.
  • Be prepared to explain why you are living separately under the same roof, e.g., financial considerations; unavailability of separate residence; easing children’s transition to parental separation, etc.

infographic of information in blog

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273 Comments

  1. I’ll take the blame here, after 35 years of marriage it was I that went looking elsewhere for romance. I’m an epileptic with a mild case of colitis and now 60-years-old, my lovely wife and friend are totally devasted that I would be so cruel towards her, which was never my intent but I did lose faith and hope in our marriage.
    She and I have agreed that I can stay at the house for 6 months but she made it clear we are not a couple any longer and I willingly agreed.
    Now comes the hard part the finances of our life together, which is one reason we are headed down this path and the fact that I have found someone else.
    So if anyone knows anything on CPP, I’m disabled, Help

  2. I can understand your pain. Here is the hardest thing. If you seek help from a Church. The person will only say “The Bible says GOD does not allow divorce.” Try marriage counseling and see if that might help and safe your marriage. Also, try to express your honest feelikngs for each other. I mean lay everything on the table all the truth. I did that and that caused my wife to get counseling and realise where our marriage started to fail. I have been married for more than 20 years.
    One Psychiatrist stared “In your heart and mind you are already divorced. All you need to do is file the paperwork.” But due to cost of living is so expensive, I am not able to live alone. I am 46 years old and earn less than $50,000 a year before taxes. I have no family and no friends to move in with or to even ask for help or suppor t. I am all alone with no help and no support. Again I know the pain you are going through.

  3. I am I a similar position with most of you. Sadly Church Pastors state GOD does for allow a couple to Divorce. Especially if you are the same religion, yet if you are different religions they will say then leave the marriage.

    Does GOD want his children suffering in an unhappy / miserable / abusive / failing marriage or relationship? The only correct answer is “No. So why do leaders of Churches say always say ” GOD does not allow divorces / seperarions”?

    1. Interesting information but Biblical? The Bible says if there is no peace in the home, you may separate, with the idea being to self examine (I think) and to reconcile if possible. I don’t know where the idea of what religion you are influences this claims to come from.

  4. My husband said he wanted a divorce last Monday due to my extreme anxiety. A few days later we agreed on a six month separation. I’ll still be living at our apartment. Things are difficult. I don’t have a job or a car. I don’t want a divorce. I’m trying counseling to try to get my anxiety under control. I am heartbroken and don’t want to lose my husband.

  5. Here is my situation. My husband has mental issues and he decided not to work anymore. Being a supportive wife I agreed to take on the breadwinner role. We had a 6 month old and just purchased our first home a month prior to him deciding not to work. It was very stressful. He then agreed to start watching the baby 6 months after not working so we didn’t have to pay daycare. He isn’t very nice and is very controlling. I have no say in anything. He never took me out and always said I can be replaced. He never did any of the cooking, cleaning or errands or payed the bills. We went to get a divorce in 2010 but he begged me that he changed and to take him back. Then in 2014 he decided to leave me for my neighbor who was 16 years younger than him. That lasted a month than asked to get back with me. Then in 2016 while claiming he couldn’t leave the house because of mental issues all of this while taking care of everything and leaving work because he was having a panic attack and needed me I found out he was having a 6 month affair. He decided to leave me again and like an ass I took him back again. Then we bought our second house because 1 I didn’t want to live where I was and I wanted a better environment for our son. Well 4 nights ago he said he never loved me and wanted to be back with the first chic. I can’t take it anymore. He is never there for me. Constantly ignores me unless he needs something. Oh and he is an alcoholic who maxed out 2 of my cards. Totaled my car. Has broken tons of things including my spirit and self esteem over the years. I found out I have a health problem and he wants to leave. When my mom/best friend died he refused to come home from drinking and comfort me. He has destroyed all my friendships so now I have no one to talk to. And he says he is entitled to half of everything even though I paid for it and fixed things up because I “chose” to be the breadwinner. It’s so messed up.

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