Is It Okay to Date During a Divorce?
What Are The Legal and Emotional Risks of Dating While Getting a Divorce?
Going through a divorce can be an extremely lonely experience, especially if you and your spouse have been emotionally checked out of the relationship for some time. The divorce process itself can drag on for months or even years before it’s over, leaving you in a difficult personal limbo. During this in-between period, it’s only natural to crave connection, intimacy, or just a fun distraction by dipping your toes back into the dating pool. So, is it okay to date during a divorce?
The decision to start dating again before your divorce is officially finalized is complicated. While your marriage may have disintegrated long ago in your heart, jumping back into the dating pool could create unforeseen conflicts and even impact your divorce settlement.
In this article, we’ll explore the potential risks and pitfalls of dating during a divorce while acknowledging the very human need for companionship that arises after a marriage’s dissolution. Our aim is to help you make a thoughtful choice about whether to start dating or wait until your divorce has been officially resolved.
Dating While Separated
Before examining the potential legal ramifications of dating during a divorce, let’s look at what happens if you date while separated from your spouse. Separation means living apart from one’s spouse but remaining legally married. (Learn more about divorce vs. legal separation.) There are two kinds of separations:
Legal Separation
This is an official court order recognizing the separation of the spouses. Legal separations can outline child custody, property division, spousal support, and other key legal rights and responsibilities while the couple is still married but living apart.
Non-legal Separation
This occurs when spouses decide to live apart by mutual agreement without pursuing a formal legal separation through the court system. There are no court orders involved.
The laws around dating while separated can vary depending on your state. For example, in some states with antiquated laws still on the books, dating before a divorce is finalized could potentially be considered adultery – a criminal offense. However, most states have decriminalized adultery between consenting adults. Regardless, dating during a legal or non-legal separation could still impact divorce proceedings related to alimony, asset division, and child custody.
That’s why, even if you’re not required to pursue a legal separation in your state, it’s advisable to draft a written separation agreement in consultation with a divorce attorney. This document can outline each spouse’s rights and obligations while living separately, including whether intimate relationships with new partners are permitted by both parties. With a clear separation agreement, there’s less risk of your dating impacting a future divorce judgment.
The Legal Complications of Dating During a Divorce
While the romantic desire to move on and start dating again before your divorce is finalized may be understandable, it’s crucial to be aware that doing so can potentially create legal complications down the road. Depending on where you live and the specific circumstances of your divorce, dating a new partner could impact several key areas of your divorce judgment. Before taking the plunge into dating, it’s wise to understand and carefully consider the potential legal pitfalls.
At-Fault Divorce
In most divorces today, couples cite no-fault grounds like “irreconcilable differences” when parting ways. However, in some states, fault-based divorces remain an option. If your spouse discovers you are dating, they may decide to pursue an at-fault divorce by making a claim of adultery. This can significantly influence how key divorce terms like alimony and property division are determined.
In states where fault grounds like adultery are recognized, the spouse accused of cheating is usually viewed as the errant party who violated the marriage vows. Judges are more likely to award a greater portion of marital assets to the wronged spouse and mandate higher alimony payments from the adulterous party.
Wasteful Dissipation
Another legal pitfall of dating during a divorce is the risk of being accused of “wasteful dissipation” of marital assets.
In most divorces, marital assets like money, homes, cars, investments, etc., get split according to state laws and prenuptial agreements, if applicable. Wasteful dissipation is when one spouse recklessly spends a substantial amount of the couple’s marital property or assets through frivolous expenditures unrelated to legitimate marital expenses. Dating can open the door to accusations of wasteful dissipation if a spouse spends exorbitant sums wining and dining a new flame.
For example, if you took your new partner on an extravagant $20,000 vacation and paid using marital funds, your estranged spouse could cite that as evidence of you wastefully depleting assets that should have been included in the marital estate for division. The same goes for buying your new dating partner expensive jewelry, cars, or other lavish purchases.
To avoid such claims, it’s advisable to spend modestly on dating during your divorce. Tracking your spending could also help refute accusations of wasteful dissipation later on. An amicable divorce may turn adversarial if one spouse believes the other is draining the marital coffers on their new dating life.
Alimony (Spousal Support)
While less common than in previous decades, alimony or spousal support may still be awarded in divorces where the two spouses have a significant disparity in earning power. If one spouse earns considerably more income than the other, allowing the former to forgo employment or advance their career, the higher-earning spouse may be ordered to pay alimony to their former partner after the divorce.
However, if the spouse due to receive alimony cohabitates with a new romantic partner during the divorce proceedings, it could threaten their ability to continue receiving support payments. This is because many states will terminate or reduce alimony if the recipient has another partner providing them with economic support or shelter.
Additional household income from a new live-in partner can legally disqualify the lower-earning ex-spouse from continuing to receive alimony on the grounds that they no longer need financial assistance from their former spouse. Courts aim to avoid providing a windfall of combined incomes from alimony and a cohabitating partner’s contributions.
Certain states have some protections that continue alimony regardless of cohabitation status. But generally speaking, moving in with a new romantic partner runs a real risk of alimony being suspended or terminated upon your former spouse’s request to the court.
Child Custody
For parents going through a divorce, one of the most concerning risks of dating a new partner is the potential impact it could have on child custody proceedings. If you introduce your children to a new romantic interest before your divorce is finalized, it opens the door for your soon-to-be ex to attack your fitness as a parent.
In disputed custody cases where both parents are seeking primary custody, judges must make determinations based on the best interests of the child. If your spouse can demonstrate that your new dating partner poses a potential risk to your children’s well-being, it could severely undermine your custody claim. For example, evidence that your new partner has a criminal record, history of drug/alcohol abuse, lost their own custody rights in another case, or accusations of abusive behavior toward your children would likely be treated extremely unfavorably.
Even if your new significant other does not directly mistreat your kids, the mere adverse influence their presence has on your ability to effectively co-parent during the divorce could be reason enough for a judge to limit your custody or visitation privileges. If your romantic entanglements are causing a breakdown in communication and cooperation between you and your ex regarding the children, it demonstrates an inability to prioritize your kids’ stability.
Courts prefer bringing as little upheaval as possible into children’s lives during a divorce. So if a judge believes your new dating life is creating an unhealthy, high-conflict environment that will put emotional stress on the kids, they may award your ex the lion’s share of physical and legal custody as a result. In worst-case scenarios, concerns over your new partner’s presence could lead to supervised visitation or a complete termination of custody.
Ultimately, while dating itself won’t automatically cost you custody, the timing of when you introduce your kids to a new partner and the individual’s character can majorly influence a judge’s custody determination if your ex argues it’s not in the children’s best interests. Proceed with extreme caution.
The Emotional Complications of Dating During Divorce
Divorce is one of life’s most stressful and emotionally turbulent experiences. The upheaval of dissolving a marriage can take a heavy psychological toll as you grieve the death of your relationship and struggle to redefine your identity as a single person.
It’s no surprise that those mired in divorce proceedings often seek out new romantic connections. However, choosing to date before your divorce is finalized can introduce a new layer of emotional complications on top of an already burdened heart.
In this section, we’ll explore the complex emotional factors to weigh before pursuing a new relationship during your divorce journey.
Are You Ready to Start Dating?
Dating during a divorce can certainly help alleviate loneliness and provide a sense of excitement during an otherwise emotionally draining time. However, it’s important to ensure you are truly ready to move on before pursuing new romantic connections. Divorce represents the breaking of an immensely meaningful bond. Even if the relationship has been fraying for years, undoing that level of profound commitment takes an emotional toll.
Diving into dating too soon can distract you from properly processing and grieving the loss of your marriage. You may find yourself holding onto unhealthy attachments to your ex and unconsciously seeking echoes of your former relationship in new partners. Unresolved resentments, lingering intimacy issues, and unaddressed concerns like guilt or self-blame can all potentially sabotage budding romances before they have a chance to blossom organically.
There’s also the matter of your own self-worth to consider. Failed marriages can breed insecurities that manifest in hasty decisions to pursue unhealthy rebounds or patterns of accepting unsatisfying partners to avoid loneliness. Dating during this tender transition requires a reserve of self-love and boundaries that may be in short supply amid the maelstrom of divorce.
Ultimately, while the human need for connection is understandable and valid, take care that you aren’t entering new relationships from a place of emotional depletion. Be brutally honest with yourself about whether you’ve taken enough time to process your divorce’s impacts. Rebounding impulsively not only jeopardizes your personal growth, but also exposes your prospective new partner to an unavoidable tangle of unresolved baggage that can stunt intimacy. Embrace your solitude until the turbulence of divorce’s storm has passed enough to date from a place of authenticity and inner peace.
How Dating During a Divorce Could Impact Your Ex
While the desire to date again may stem from an emotionally fulfilling place for you individually, your decision could conversely create deeper resentment and conflict with your ex-spouse. Especially if you initiated the divorce, the revelation that you’ve started seeing someone new can reignite feelings of betrayal and hurt all over again for the person you’re leaving behind.
In their eyes, your new romantic pursuits may represent an unnecessary salting of wounds. This is true even if you both initially agreed the relationship was irreparably damaged.
An unintended outcome of dating during divorce is that it could spur your ex to adopt a more adversarial stance throughout the divorce proceedings as hurt and jealousy take hold. If they feel you are dishonoring the history of your marriage, they may fight harder for what they feel they’re owed – whether it’s battling over assets, alimony, or even child custody arrangements.
It’s wise to be discreet about your dating activities to avoid inflaming tensions with your ex. Don’t flaunt relationships on social media or make public spectacles that could embarrass your ex in your shared social circles. As difficult as it may be, you’ll want to maintain civility and a working relationship with your soon-to-be-former spouse, especially if you have children together
Ultimately, while your romantic life is your own affair, carefully consider your ex’s emotional state and prioritize discretion during your divorce. An empathetic approach during this transition could prevent an already fraught legal process from devolving into an outright war zone.
How Dating During a Divorce Can Impact Your Kids
Divorce is already an extremely stressful and confusing time for children caught in the crosshairs of their parents’ split. Introducing new romantic partners into the equation only complicates matters further for young minds struggling to process these seismic family changes.
Kids rely on the stable presence of their parents for emotional security. So, seeing mom or dad involved with someone new can foster anxiety, anger, jealousy, or sadness. They may internalize self-blame that their misbehaviors or shortcomings caused the breakdown of their once-intact household. Older children and teenagers are at particular risk of opposing parental romantic interests out of misplaced loyalties.
Parents who start dating quickly also run the risk of appearing more focused on their own gratification than their offspring’s emotional well-being. This isn’t to say dating is impossible or even inadvisable while divorcing. However, discretion and patience must be exercised before exposing children to new partners. First, prioritize open communication to explain that mom or dad’s new friend doesn’t diminish how much they’re loved. Only introduce serious, committed relationships once the dust has settled, and do so gradually while working closely with any co-parenting partners.
Dating Post-Divorce
Once your divorce is officially finalized, many of the potential legal risks associated with dating during the proceedings dissolve. You’re no longer married, so concerns over grounds for divorce like adultery become moot. Your soon-to-be ex-spouse will have little legal rationale to claim any new partners had negative impacts on assets that could be used as divorce ammunition.
However, some post-divorce considerations remain. If you have children, your custody agreement may stipulate guidelines about overnight guests or introducing new romantic partners. But as a single individual, you’ll generally have far more freedom to explore dating on your own terms without legal peril.
The emotional complexities are trickier to navigate. Even if you consciously moved on long ago, being freshly untethered from the commitment of marriage can unleash self-doubts and hopes for an idealized love, sending you into new, unhealthy relationship patterns. Avoid jumping directly from divorce into serial dating or rebounds that inhibit true self-discovery.
Conversely, a rough divorce could leave you wary of exposing yourself to more heartbreak. Neither extreme of constantly dating nor swearing it off serves your growth. Seek balance by prioritizing self-care, whether that’s therapy, investing in friendships, or exploring new hobbies and interests that restore confidence in who you are outside of romantic identities.
When you do feel ready to date again, embrace it not as a chance for validation but as an opportunity to celebrate your resilience and self-love. You overcame divorce’s darkness and get to rewrite your romantic narrative. Let that be a source of power and optimism for the fulfilling partnership that awaits.
Should You Date During a Divorce?
There’s no definitive right or wrong answer when it comes to dating during divorce. The choice is a highly personal one that depends on your unique circumstances, mindset, and priorities.
On one hand, the legal risks of dating before your divorce is finalized shouldn’t be ignored. As this article outlined, diving into new relationships could potentially lead to accusations of adultery or wasteful dissipation of marital assets. You could also risk losing out on alimony or face challenges to your preferred custody arrangements.
At the same time, the emotional drivers pushing you to seek companionship amidst the loneliness of divorce are understandable. Only you can gauge whether you’re truly ready to begin exploring intimacy with new people or if doing so will prevent you from productively processing the dissolution of your marriage.
If you do choose to dip your toes into dating while divorcing, exercise discretion and take things slowly, especially if you have kids. Be mindful that your decisions during this transition could inflame tensions with your soon-to-be-ex further complicating the divorce process.
Ultimately, there’s no right path forward. But taking inventory of your motivations, emotional fortitude, and circumstances can help you decide whether to pursue dating during this limbo.
No matter your conclusion, take heart that endless possibilities for profound love and connection still lie ahead.
Still have questions about dating during a divorce? Find your nearest Second Saturday Divorce Workshop.
